INTOXICATION, inhibition, and other creatures

As much as I enjoy being intoxicated, and while I appreciate the loosening up of inhibitions and preclusions, constraints, collections...I can't help thinking that my structure is reinforced, that the pent-up energies that spill out of me are wrong, that they further grind me into embarrassment, insecurity, unhealthy juvenility...

Three nights now of heavy drinking, last night I shared a bowl on top of it all. I've been getting violent, tremendously restless and attention-hungry, and in all ways completely out of orbit. The drugs are to bring pleasure to an otherwise death-obsessed psyche and to provide relief for my shrunken fruit. Fungus that concentrates the sweetness of a grape. But I must be an uncanny grape that bears only bitter memories, furious youth, deconstructive egotism, darkness, blackout, death, death, death.